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 A Much Needed Conversation

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Rondun




Posts : 35
Join date : 2020-02-14

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PostSubject: A Much Needed Conversation   A Much Needed Conversation I_icon_minitimeTue Jan 19, 2021 11:42 pm

Lei Zang stretched as he took the headphones off. That was enough Savior for the day. It was nice to see Delilah well, even if the girl get into more trouble than she should. She was rather sweet and kind, he would love to have her and Ji Xiu be friends.

Speaking of which. His little brother should come home soon. He would need to get started on dinner.

The house has a small kitchen, exactly the kind that he liked - the one he remembered. Grandma liked cooking and subsequently his father as well. When he was too small to reach the counter, his father would put him in a high chair where he can see them cook all sorts of stuff. Tonight he will cook his father’s favourite dish.

He hoped Ji Xiu will like it as well.

+++

The moment that Ji Xiu entered the house - late as usual - he could smell the food cooking. It had a nostalgic scent to him, like something from a fond memory more than half forgotten. Which put him immediately into a worse mood than he’d been in before. Scowling he marched across the space between the front door to where his brother Lei Zang was busily cooking in the kitchen.

His stomach grumbled quietly and he hoped the sound was quiet enough that his brother didn’t hear it over the sound of the food cooking. It smelled delicious, and he could tell from that alone that it was one of the dishes that grandmother had taught Lei Zang. Something from China that had been passed down in their family for centuries - or something like that. He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Why do you have to make such weird stuff?” His voice broke halfway through the middle of his sentence, irritating him and making him hunch defensively. “Look. I’m not hungry, so don’t go expecting me to eat that… stuff.”

He stressed the word ‘stuff’ hard enough to make it clear that he was replacing the word he really wanted to say.

+++

At the start, Lei Zang got a little bit worried when his brother came home late. Fretting a little and resisting the urge to call his phone immediately. Now he has a rough estimation of how late his brother typically comes home.

When he heard the door clicked open, he called out. “Welcome home.”

It wasn’t hard to note the sour mood, or the soft rumble from the stomach. Ji Xiu’s words made him pause a little. “Is it weird?” He leaned back down and took a sniff. “Dad liked it and I hope you liked it too.”

He remembered the first time he had a taste of the tofu meat mix. It burned his tongue so much since his father was fond of spicy food. Grandma was chuckling as his father scrambled to get him a glass of milk. She laughed when he was stubborn enough wanting a second taste. His version in the pot was much milder, as he wasn’t quite sure about Ji Xiu’s tolerance.

“Come over and have a taste. You wouldn’t know if you like it if you haven’t tried.”

+++

Ji Xiu rolled his eyes at his brother who - as usual - wasn’t actually listening to him. His older brother had a tendency to hear what he wanted to hear and little more. At least, that was his opinion.

Pulling his backpack up on his shoulder he shifted under its heavy weight and gave his brother one of his patented glares that never seemed to phase Lei Zang. “Nobody in America eats tofu Lei Zang.” He minced his brother’s name a bit, ruffled by the older boy’s unflappability. “And it smells spicy.”

With that he turned, heading toward the living room to divest himself of his backpack, and to further ignore Lei Zang. He had homework, but he had no intention of doing it. What was the point? He ground his teeth as he walked, his shoulders itching with the perceived weight of the eyes that were likely set on his back as he unslung his bag.

+++

Well that was a lie. They had tofu just last week, not the same kind and probably unrecognisable underneath the soy sauce but it's still there. Not to mention all the chinese restaurants in the area more or less advertise it all the time.

Now he was used to Ji Xiu’s dramatics - probably part of teenagehood - but this seemed different. He turned around, put the lid on the pot and shut off the fire, before heading to the living room himself.

He didn’t follow too closely, standing just a little further back. Watching, to see if there were any clues to the foul mood. When he could see no cause of it, he had to ask.

“Ji Xiu. Is something wrong?” His voice was gentle, but full of concern.

+++

He could hear his brother following along behind him, and purposefully threw his bag into the couch. The books and papers jostled around in the bag, but nothing spilled out. He was almost disappointed, and so he followed his bag onto the sofa. Dropping into the softness with all the gracelessness he could muster and just lay there looking up at the older boy whom he served with a glare.

“It’s a stupid dinner. I told you.” He crossed his arms and fumed silently. He didn’t want his brother to know the real reasons. The many varied emotions that bubbled beneath his discontent. It was easier just to give Lei Zang his anger. Easier to be mad all the time than to deal with the rest of it.

“I’m not hungry anyways. Look.” He hefted himself up, starting to rise off of the couch. “I’m just going to go to my room.”

+++

The glare has as much effect as a kittens hiss. At least to Lei Zang.

He calmly picked up the thrown bag and set it down on the floor with more gentleness than its owner given it. The lies Ji Xiu gave now was getting more worrying. He also felt a pang of sadness, knowing his little brother would rather lie and hide rather than be truthful with him. He really should have tried harder to remain in contact during university. For now he wasn’t going to abandon his brother to… whatever it is that he was feeling.

“Ji Xiu.” Lei Zang stood with his brother, neatly cutting off the way back to his room with his body. He knelt down so he could look up at his little brother. He asked again, “Ji Xiu what’s wrong?”

+++

Feeling a sudden rush of anger flare up at being blocked from his room by his brother, the younger boy didn’t hesitate to lash out. And the truth slipped out with it. No time for a lie or something more thoughtful to come out of his mouth. Just the truth, ragged and sharp from the edge of his biting tongue.

“Don’t you get it? The other kids see the lunches you make for me they make fun of me! How it smells funny. The weird stuff you put in it! And if that wasn’t bad enough it all reminds me of being a little kid when mom and dad were still alive.”

The last bit made tears start to well up in his eyes but he forced them down and clenched his fists. He wanted to do something, but he couldn’t. Lei Zang was bigger than him. Better than him. Lei Zang went to college. Lei Zang got great grades, and here he was with another B+ on his math homework. Which was still better than the flat B he was getting in English. “Well they aren’t! And you’re not dad, so stop pretending like you are! Stop…. STOP BEING SO PERFECT.”

He yelled the last, biting down every emotion he had, trying to force the vibration in his body to go away. But it wouldn’t.

+

Lei Zang was taken aback at the outburst. The tell-tale tears welling up in the corner of the eye before Ji Xiu forced it away. Quietly Lei Zang took his little brother’s hand, taking the balled up fist into his palm. A solid grasp to hold and absorb the vibration in the muscles. He could feel the pulse in his palm and he really wanted to just pry open that fist. With that he listened, let him explain.

“Hey. Hey. I never try to be Dad. Couldn’t even if I wanted to.” He would know what made Ji Xiu upset, probably not even asking about it. “I’m not perfect. No body is. I don’t know where you got that idea from. Were the other children talking about that as well?”

The food he understood, he did got some strange look in college when he eat his meal. He found that things goes smoother when he offered them a bite. They either enjoyed it, or realise it wasn’t quite polite to gawk at another person’s lunch like that.

However the perfection thing? He has no idea where Ji Xiu got that idea. He never find himself to be perfect, and he finds it pointless to strive for that. He just did what Dad always told him - be kind, be patient. Everything he tries to do right now.

+

Touching someone when they’re angry is always a dangerous proposition. Ji Xiu didn’t even know what happened until it had. His brother took his hand, said he wasn’t perfect and then Ji Xiu was pushing him. Shoving the older boy away. He wasn’t strong, but it was a surprise. Enough of one to give him the space he needed.

His own action surprised him, and he stared at his brother for a long second. “ASK GRANDFATHER.” But Lei Zang couldn’t. Grandfather was dead. Lei Zang would never understand. Never.

He shoved his way past Lei Zang while the other was still surprised. Tried to. Needed to get to his room while he still had a chance.

+

It was a surprise when Ji Xiu shoved him, enough to unbalance him and send him to the floor. There was very little time for him to process what just happen when Lei Zang just yelled and then shoved past him to his room

All Lei Zang could do was scratch his head. What has grandpa said? Admittedly he knew how brash his Grandfather is, but he doesn’t mean any harm. At least that’s what grandma always says. He wanted the best for those around him, but often time his words were quite unkind. He could remember how harsh he was when he wanted grandma to stop with the sword dance. She just laughed at his face, pinch his cheek and graced him with a kiss. He said no more after that.

A part of him wanted to do that for Ji Xiu but based on that reaction it probably won’t go over well. With a sigh, Lei Zang stood up and went to his little brother’s room. As expected the door was shut to him. So he knocked on it lightly, but did not go in. Giving him a little bit of space.

“Ji Xiu.” He starts but he wasn’t sure how to continue. He could easily hurt him again. However he has no choice but to be completely honest, but he will try to be as gentle as possible. “Ji Xiu what’s wrong? You have to tell me. I’m not like grandma I can’t read minds.”

+

The response was the sound of a muffled pillow hitting the door none to gently and a stifled response. “Go away!” Ji Xiu was tangled in his blankets on his bed, his other pillow tucked under his head and the one he’d thrown laying where it’d landed somewhere near the door. The room was surprisingly neat given everything. Everything but the bed he’d messed up in order to crawl into it and hide away from the world.

No, not the world. Just one Lei Zang.

+

Lei Zang winced hearing the pillow thrown at the door. He sat down in front of it. “Not much place I could go.” He called back and settled down. Determined to wait as long as needed for him to calm down and actually talk to him.

Or when the hunger finally wins. He would have to try and quickly heat the dinner back up or just order some pizzas. It’s not exactly healthy thing to eat but it is a comfort food, and it looks like his little brother need all the comfort he could get.

If only he know how to give those comfort.

+

Time passed, until it seemed like at last that perhaps Ji Xiu wasn’t going to come out after all. Not a single sound came from the room after the thud. Just an echoing silence. Dinner grew cold in the kitchen, and it started to waft toward Ji Xiu’s bedtime.

Which was when the door finally opened a crack. The younger boy peeked out into the hallway and let out a weary sigh. His tired expression seemed to say that he had been napping at least some of the time he’d been in the room, and when he saw his brother sitting in the hallway he grimaced.

“I have to go to the bathroom, and I don’t want to talk about it.” Grumpily he started to move past Lei Xang

+

As time passed, Lei Zang remained in thought. He did not move from his spot or pull out his phone for distractions. He kept thinking about what his grandma did for him and how many of them are in any way applicable for this situation.

Eventually the door open and he almost fell back as he was leaning on the door before. At least Ji Xiu looked a little better after a nap. Still looked grumpy and tired, but less emotional.

“It won’t make the problem go away.” He said gently as he get up and moved out of the way. A quick check at the time have him winced. It’s far too late for any sort of meal that won’t sit too heavy at night. He will have to make some other snacks instead. At least he have the lunch sorted.

“Are you hungry?” He called after Ji Xiu.

+

Ji Xiu tensed at his brother’s words. As if he’d thought that he’d be able to go to the bathroom at least in peace. He’d hoped. But there was the little digging comment, and it made him so angry with his brother. He didn’t get anything. Not even this little bit of peace that he so desperately craved. Then, he kept moving, ignoring the comment like it hadn’t crawled under his skin and was even now itching at him. Scratching to be freed with some hateful comment toward the brother that lay behind him.

“No.” He stated coldly, without bothering to turn around. In truth he wasn’t sure if he was hungry or not. His stomach felt like it was made of lead. Its heaviness was uncomfortable for him, and after he’d finished in the bathroom he stood for a long time looking at himself in the mirror. Hating what he saw there. He’d rather be Ugz sometimes. Even if he’d made his character too small, at least in that other world everything that made him different wasn’t so obvious.

He splashed some water on the mirror irritably and turned to leave the restroom, poking his head out to see if his brother was still lingering around in the hallway.

+

Of course Lei Zang has not left. How could he when something was upsetting his little brother? Until he found out what it was he probably will not sleep tonight. Even if Ji Xiu seemed to be determined to keep this in his chest, no matter how much pain it was causing him.

“I can wait as long as you wanted to, until you tell me what is going on.” He said, trying to be gentle. He still have no clue at all on why Ji Xiu came home like this and really wanted to find out.

It wasn’t a joke that he could wait this out potentially. He has done it before - albeit it was waiting for something less important than this. He walked in front of Ji Xiu and kneeled before him again.

“Please tell me what was wrong. So I know how I could help.”

+

He hated how hard it was sometimes to hold his anger against his brother. It always seemed to pass when he wanted it the most. If he could be angry right now, then he wouldn’t have to explain anything. He could just bottle it up. But Lei Zang was on his knees, endlessly patient. Wearing him down like the rocks on the shore being worn away by the unceasing press of the ocean. Maybe, if he’d really been angry at Lei Zang at all, it would have been easier to hold onto the warm pulse of anger burning inside him. But Lei Zang was perfect. Even to him.

Always nice when he didn’t need to be. It was so frustrating. He kept waiting for the older boy to lash out back at him. Like grandfather had.

“Just have to be so perfect don’t you.” He bit his lip and looked away. “That’s what grandfather always said. You’re so much better than me!” He hated how hurt it made him feel. How much saying it out loud made him want to cry. Where was his anger now? He tried to manufacture it, spitting out the words, but he was choking on them. “Perfect Lei Zang. Perfect grades, never disobedient. Everyone LOVES you. And nobody…”

Nobody loved the troublemaker. Him. “You don’t know what it’s like. Not being good enough. Getting B’s instead of A’s. Not being able to make friends.” He rushed past the hurt and folded his arms around himself. “You can’t help. Because YOU are the problem!”

+

Lei Zang was more confused. Yes Grandpa has called him perfect from time to time, but Grandma has always told him to not mind because he would exaggerate things often. So he did just that. Besides it's not like he has seen all of his scores, especially all the mock tests he has gone through as practice. Or the pots he accidentally broke on the rooftop.

And being liked? Well he knew some of his students don't like him, he symbolised wasted time where they can’t leave the studying table and play. Even though he is necessary if they want to get to their next grade. So everything Ji Xiu said was a foreign concept to him. He never considered himself perfect or blameless, all he did was work hard and enjoy the process of hard work.

Then came the next strange thing. As Ji Xiu got more upset, more things were revealed on why he was upset. Although he had to ask… Was that it? Literally him getting a B? The above average grade?

It’s frustrating, it felt like he only got part of the picture and not the whole thing. What has Grandpa been saying to Ji Xiu to get him like this? Still he endeavor to do whatever he can with the limited amount of information. Step by step for now, step by tiny steps.

“Well first off, a B is a perfectly fine score. There is nothing wrong with it.” He said calmly, putting a gentle hand on Ji Xiu’s shoulder. “Friends will come in time, there was no reason to rush. It’s not a competition.”

Step by step.

+

“That’s not what grandpa said!” The words just poured out of his mouth like water from a sieve. “You were always getting A’s and he was just… mad at me all the time for not being as good as you.” He shrugged out from under his brother’s hand and glared at the taller, older boy. Ji Xiu felt as though there was something ugly boiling away in his gut.

“It’s so easy for you to say that friends will come with time. You’ve got tons of friends! Grandpa told me. ‘Lei Zang is so good with the girls, you should be more like him’.” The last sentence was in a stilted version of their grandfather’s voice, and not a bad approximation of it either. “‘Have you no friends at all Ji Xiu? When your brother was your age he had so many.’”

Ji Xiu took a step back from his brother, half wishing he could run back to the bathroom and hide away there. He’d prefer his bedroom, but the older boy was blocking his way.

+

“Ji Xiu its not a competition and grandpa is not here.” He had to stress it again. Honestly he really didn’t spend any time comparing himself to his peers. It would be a useless exercise in his opinion and his grandma agree. You can’t be better than other people, you can only be a better self.

“Also what about those girls? They are just my classmates that needed help.” He literally hadn’t thought about them again until now. They always seemed to have a lot of trouble with the simplest homework. Then again who is he to question what they understand or not. They all left after a while though. So does the few guys that approached him for homework help. It’s hard to understand why they continue to linger long after the question has been answered. “In all honesty I think I only have a handful of people that I would call friends. I could introduce them to you if you want.”

Would be a weird way for Ji Xiu to meet Delilah but it is an opportunity. They seemed like similar ages as well anyways. Hopefully Delilah would help him with this as well. She did mention she has two older siblings so they could possibly give him some insight on how to handle this.

“Ji Xiu I don’t think grandpa was right in any of those things. There was no point in trying to emulate someone else. Especially me. I’m just an average tutor.”

+

Huffing Ji Xiu pushed past his brother finally and marched toward his room. “Whatever. Of course you would say that. I’m going to bed.” The door shut behind him with an air of finality.

+

“Ji Xiu wait!” The call was met with the door slamming shut on him. Lei Zang sighed, this seemed like the surface of a very deep problem and his head hurt. Doesn’t hurt as much as the heartache that his little brother was still hurting.

He wanted to grab his sword and cut the problems down. But none of it was a physical problem and he doubt it would actually help other than calming himself down. Reminding himself of Grandma and her words.

Lei Zang shook his head. Now its way too late to pursue this subject. It would have to come next morning. Hopefully Ji Xiu felt better after a proper sleep. He would have to make him a big breakfast next morning. Along with a new lunch, if he really doesn’t like what he makes he would make what he likes instead.


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Ugz




Posts : 24
Join date : 2020-02-13
Location : Manhattan, New York

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PostSubject: Re: A Much Needed Conversation   A Much Needed Conversation I_icon_minitimeThu Jan 21, 2021 12:26 am

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